On Accepting Change

Lately I've been having a really difficult time looking at myself in the mirror. Everyone else is noticing all of these changes in my body and here I am, staring at myself and I see nothing. It's so draining to not feel at peace with your body. Every day is a struggle for me to follow the rules I have put in place for myself. Eat this, not that. Run, now walk. Pick up a heavier set of weights. I feel exhausted. I feel like people are disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm. It's difficult for me to truly articulate the frustration I've been feeling lately. I can't discredit the amount of work I've put into helping myself become healthier. I can't argue the number slowly changing on the scale. However, I've noticed that while for the most part I'm in a great mood, the other part of me is one hard swallow away from crying my eyes out. I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I know nothing comes easy, I know that I need suck it up and be happy with my progress. Somedays though, I want to be upset that I'm not noticing a change in the way my body looks. Somedays, I want to sit in my bed and not work out. It's been a long, difficult road up until this point and most days I do a great job of putting on my gym clothes and hitting the pavement. I want to learn to not expect change over night. I need to be more patient. I need to accept that I am changing, maybe not on the outside but on the inside. I need to embrace my schedule and menu and know that this is one step closer to being in control of my own life. I will continue to eat this, not that; run, now walk; and pick up a heavier set of weights. I will continue to do so because I know my body can.

But for now, can I just sit here and have a good cry?

 Sometimes we all have lows, it's how we handle the lows that matters. What do you do when you feel burnt out?

Sunday Weigh-In 009

I'm going to make this post short and sweet today. I am feeling really great this week. I finally got over my cold and I had a great work week. I worked out every day and I tracked everything I ate. It was pretty much flawless week. On Friday and Saturday I went out and had a few drinks. Prior to going out, I made sure that I ran or walked - at least burning 400 calories each time. 

My trainer, Palani, and I had a really great talk on Thursday. I finally had a chance to work out with him again. I was paired with a new client and Palani used me as an example to help motivate his new client. I felt like I accomplished a lot since March but whenever I hear it from my trainers, I feel it 10 times more. Especially when they use me as an example. My favorite story he told was how much attitude I had when I first started working out with him. Overtime exercising became easy and now he's pushing me to do more. Needless to say, I'm loving it! 

This week I started a "0 to 5k" training program. Running has never been my "thing." It's always been difficult for me. I didn't really understand how to pace my breathing and I always felt heavy running. However, the app, 5k Runner, I downloaded has been super helpful to me. In fact, I've been kind of bad cause I've used it on days that weren't my "training" days. Today I did a walk/run with my dog Junior and I almost ran the whole first 5 minutes of warm-up. I was so proud of myself. 

This was my walk/run on Friday. Local Natives definitely helped me move my butt!

Now it's time for my Sunday weigh-in result. I am very excited for this because I worked hard all week. 

209.8! I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am about that!

I know the number isn't always the "end all, be all" in weight-loss but I've been noticing changes in my body, changes in my mind, and changes in the way I'm able to be motivated. I'm just so happy these days because it doesn't take much to get me out of the house to walk or run or go to the gym. I'm very proud of myself. I have no other words for it! 

#nothingsgonnaknockthisgirldown

Until next time, keep smiling! 

The Beginning of My Journey: Part One

I think it's important for me to write about my journey to finally deciding to take my health seriously and creating this blog. Please bear with me as I want to include as much information as possible. I want to this be a therapeutic post - write out all my demons in a sense. 

I grew up in a military family. We didn't travel very much but I was never in one place for more than three years. The majority of my childhood was spent in Guam. This is me as a toddler. Aside from looking very cute, I was pretty petite. I was active and I was always playing outside with my friends. I would bike to my friend's house... and also bike to parts of the military housing that I wasn't allowed to be. I always made it home for curfew (street lights came on). On the outside everything was perfect - but my family wasn't. My parents argued all the time and I felt really sad all the time. I would hear them argue at night and I would imagine the worse. 

When I was in kindergarden/first grade, I started to put on weight. I remember being on the swings with my friend and one of the boys in my class was pushing us and he mentioned that I was "heavy." That was the first time I became aware of my weight. When I moved back to San Diego, my family mentioned my weight as well. My uncle mentioned, sort of in passing, "Wow, you got big!" I was young, I was growing... right? Well, the weight issue started to set in when my dad started talking about my weight. He said I was fat and that I didn't do anything. He put me in basketball and I never moved as fast as the other kids. I had a complex about the way my body looked when it was in motion - no thanks to my dad's coworker who saw me running down the hall at his office and said there was an earthquake! I was young so it took awhile to hit me as, "he just made fun of me." 

My friends were always smaller than me. I always felt like the odd person out even though my friends were always really great to me. I didn't really understand why my body looked the way it did. I felt out of place and uncomfortable being myself. I kind of turned into a bully and I would be mean to anyone who I feared was going to be mean to me. I was also dealing with the turmoil of a family that seemed to be falling apart at the seams. My parents fought all the time, I was constantly scared and wished I had a different life. I guess I thought everything would be better if my parents got along, if there wasn't the stress of being a military family, and if my parents weren't always busy working. I remember spending one summer (maybe 4th or 5th grade) in the house. My mom would leave a to-do list and my sister and I would make ourselves lunch (usually a microwaveable pizza or... two). I feel like I never left the house - and looking back on it, I probably didn't.

My insecurity began when I was really young. It feels strange to know that I grew up always analyzing myself. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my childhood. I had great friends and my parents were always very loving to me. They did whatever they could do to make sure I was comfortable. From a young age, I didn't have a good grasp on "healthy" food. As I grew... it didn't get better. I'll leave that for another post though. 

When did you begin to notice your weight? Did it ever stop you from being your true self? 

Until next time, keep smiling. 

Monday Weigh-in 007

Yikes! This is what happens when you don't exercise throughout the week. I only made time to exercise on Tuesday and Thursday, my designated training days, and then a hike on Saturday. I'm hoping this week is different. I really want to get that number down past the 210's. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of working hard and motivating myself. This week I'm trying a different approach which I hope to discuss on Friday. I have a really unhealthy habit of letting my personal life get in the way of my personal growth. I know that sounds weird but I let everyone's emotions effect how I feel about myself. My personal problems with my family, friends, or exboyfriends keep me stuck here, at this limbo. I feel unmotivated when I'm sad and I would rather sit in bed and listen to music.

This week I'm focusing on me. I need to let go of some "demons" and continue to grow. I'm not going to let this number stop me from reaching my goal. Four pounds is nothing and I'm determined to lose them!

Sometimes we all need a kick in the butt, I got mine this weekend.

However, here is some photo love to brighten up this post a little!

The puppies enjoying ice cream (lucky dogs... hehe)

Sunday night dinner. I love me some brussels sprouts! 

Trying to look pretty for work. Sometimes looking pretty gets my mind off things... 

I hope everyone is having a fabulous week.

Until next time, keep smiling.

Monday Weigh-in 006

I'm back! It took me an entire weekend to reorganize my thoughts and to figure out a personal situation, but alas everything is back on track. I believe it takes a strong person to admit their faults and to want to change those faults. A lot of people walk around and think they don't need any improvements, which can be very liberating but it can also confine you to the status-quo. I believe that there is always room for improvement which is why I believe in weight-loss, healthy living, and overall improvement of body and mind. Eventually, I would like to share my journey to this point in my life but that will need some time to piece together and make comprehensive. 


While the weekend was very draining, I managed to come out on top. I ate as best I could considering the circumstances and took a personal day on Sunday to take care of my body. I don't drink very often but this past Saturday I partook in some festivities with some friends. It definitely took my mind off things and made me realize what was important. 


The results from a week of watching what I eat and exercising gave me this result: 

It's 3lbs. less than last week. I'm hoping I can maintain this for the next week or even lose 3 more pounds! 

I am currently working on running because I want another outlet. I was very proud of myself the other day. I ran for almost two minutes straight. I wanted to stop because I just feel really heavy trying to run and it was painful but I kept moving. On Thursday, my trainer, Dustin (this week), forced me to move my butt. I told him, "I can't" and he said, "It's all in your head." Boy, was he right! 


My ability to exercise is all in my head. When I think I can't, in reality, I can. I just need to keep reminding myself. I got this far and I'm so close to my first goal weight of 210. I would love to get out of the 210's and leave them behind. 


I gotta keep moving forward. 


Until next time, keep smiling. 

Monday Weigh-In 005

Down two more pounds! GOOD BYE!

Wow, I can't believe it's already week five. It's been five weeks since my first weigh-in and honestly, there hasn't been much movement on the scale. However, there has been some movement in my butt! I've been trying to be active at least five days out of the week. Today I didn't want to go to the gym. San Diego has been beautiful lately - the sun is out and the wind is blowing - it's the best of both worlds. I asked my coworker if she would like to join me on the Balboa Park trail and she agreed. I was excited because I've been thinking about the stairs we climbed and I've been wanting to try them again. Balboa Park isn't the safest place to be alone so it's really important to go in a group. Last Wednesday, I went with a group of my coworkers. Cathy had us running a little and let me tell you, I was struggling but I managed to run 1/4th of what we did. Now THAT'S an accomplishment! This time, Cathy and I just walked the hills with her brother. It was very relaxing and after they left - I went back to the stairs! I ended up burning 477 calories in an hour. 

The girls running ahead.

Rex trying to keep up with Yavana's son! 

Beautiful view of Balboa Park museums. 

Here, Cathy is warning us that the best is yet to come!

The infamous stairs! 

And up we go. These stairs are killer - they're almost NEVER ENDING!

Thank you California Conservation Corps! 

It's been really important for me to get out of the house and be active. I may be losing weight at a slower rate but I'm happy that I feel more motivated to go work out. I'm still logging my food and keeping track of my calorie intake. This has been CRUCIAL to my weight loss. If I miss a day, I feel like I've cheated on myself. While I understand the need to have a "cheat" day - I feel for me, it's more important to just have one "cheat" meal a week. It'll keep me sane but it will also keep my calories on track. 

Do you have a cheat day or a cheat meal? Share your cheat! 

Thanks to everyone who has been commenting and supporting. It's been amazing to talk to everyone. Keep in touch! 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

Kristen 

Monday Weigh-In 004

Well, I gained a pound. I'm not shocked or upset because for every action there is a reaction. Actually, in this case, it's more of a for every "non-action" there is a "non-reaction". I didn't really work out last week (Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday were workout days) and unfortunately, my body needs to be in constant motion or it tends to retain everything I eat and drink. 

Here's where I get a bit optimistic. It's not 220. I would like to say now that I am making a promise to myself to stay out of the 220's. When I weighed 220, I wasn't happy. My body felt heavy and sluggish. I'm not saying that negative two pounds is making all the difference but in my defense, I feel two pounds lighter. Plus, the other day at my personal training I did mountain climbers for a whole minute! Yeah, I couldn't do that two pounds ago... so there's that! 

This weekend was a fun-packed weekend. Constant movement and constant... hmm... food intake! My dad, sister and her boyfriend, went to Small Bar in University Heights for breakfast. It's not your typical brunch spot but I wanted a mimosa darn it! 

Great beer on tap! Plus, on a Friday or Saturday night it's a great atmosphere. However, it lives up to it's name. 

Beer list and bar.

For this brunch, you get a drink with your meal (there are a couple choices but the ones I can remember off-hand are mimosas, beer, or Bloody Mary). I went with the "Life on Mars" for my brunch. Soyrizo isn't the "healthiest" of items but it sure is yummy! 

My mimosa and my dad's beer (Sculpin, yum!)

It was hot in this corner... but even more so with that mimosa (I don't drink very often these days). 

  Karina ordered the French Toast. 

 My delicious omelette...

Destroyed!

I was really full after brunch so when I got home, I just rested while I waited for Jessica to get ready for the San Diego County Fair. The fair was awesome and it was such a fun day. Lots of walking, talking, eating, and shopping was had. Now, I'm not saying I gained a pound in a day but look at this... 

I was bad... Don't tell my trainer!

Oh well - on Sunday, food won. But what a great victory it was! Anyway, I'm going to save the San Diego County Fair for another post.

Until then, keep smiling! And don't be hard on yourself. Some Sundays you're going to look like me up there with a plate of cheese fries... and that's okay! Forgive yourself and move on. I know I have! 

Monday Weigh-In 003

It's time for my Monday weigh-in. I'm a little nervous due to the weekend that I had. My sister had her graduation BBQ on Friday, I spent time with my friend, Alex, on Saturday, and then Father's Day was on Sunday. I really dread weekends because I'm unable to follow my routine. During the week it's easy because I'm at work but once the weekend rolls around I sleep later and I eat at odd hours. It's something I really want to work on and with that said, it's something I will definitely make a better effort of doing. 

Me, my sister, Karina, and my friend, Alex at Slaters 50/50 located at Liberty Station, San Diego for Father's Day

Top: Forever 21+, 1X

Skirt: Target, XL

Belt: H&M, L

Sandals: Target, 9

Lately, I've been really tired. I did manage to work out on Saturday. I joined my coworker at her friend, Kelly's, workout class, Leash Your Fitness. It was a great way to work out with my dog, Junior! He was such a great sport and allowed all the other dogs to treat him like the "new" guy. I enjoyed the workout because it involved a bit of running (something I'm terrible at) and I burned over 500 calories! Not bad for an hour. 

Back to what I was saying - I've been tired lately and I don't know why. Today I was suppose to go to the gym but I ended up going home. I tried working out in the pool but that got boring and I decided to sit in the hot tub. I'm hoping to get more sleep tonight so that I'll feel refreshed tomorrow. Any tips of gaining more energy? My diet hasn't changed... I'm not sure what's going on. 

Well, to end the post here's my weigh-in. It's a pound less and I can be happy about that, especially after a weekend of disastrous eating. 

And there you have it. I hope YOU had a wonderful weekend. 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

Kristen 

Monday Weigh-In 002

Let's start with my Monday weigh-in. It's not a big change but it's a change. I told my sister today that I am out of the 220's and that I was never going back. It's so encouraging to know that my hard work is paying off. It's not easy - in fact, this weekend was really difficult. I was off work on Friday and Monday due to my sister's graduation from Cal Poly Pomona. When I'm not at work I tend to fall out of my routine and I don't eat when I should and if I am eating, it's not always "on plan". I feel that I had a great weekend due in part to a wonderful hike I had on Saturday (post to come). I, for the most part, logged all my food. I've stopped making myself feel bad for eating the "wrong" thing because let's face it, we all have bad days - or moments. It's okay. Food happens. 


I'm really happy that restaurants are starting to provide nutrition information. It's really helpful for me to get an idea of how many calories I am consuming. Applebee's, IHOP, and Mimi's Cafe does a great job of providing "Light and Fit" menu items. Although, I take the calorie value as a rough "guessimate," it helps me figure out how many calories I will be able to have throughout the rest of my day. Sometimes I get stressed out when I go out to eat with my friends and family. For example, tonight my parents wanted to go to a neighborhood Mexican restaurant and I stared at the menu unsure of what to order. I settled with a shrimp salad with Caesar dressing on the side. I also ordered a bean tostada - although it wasn't the healthiest option, I knew I had the extra calories to consume. However, I've noticed that heavy food like the bean tostada tend to hurt my stomach now. Is it a sign? I'll go with "yes!"

Friday

Shirt: Target, L

Skirt: Forever 21+, 1X

Sandals: Target, 9

Accessories: Earrings, Clarie's; Bracelet: H&M; Glass Ring, Hawaiian Market Vendor

Friday Night

My little sister graduates! Congratulations Karina!

Jacket: Target, XL

Dress: Target, XXL

Belt: H&M, L

Monday

Shirt: Forever 21+, 1X

Belt: H&M, L

Jeans: Old Navy, 18

Sandals: Target, 9

What a busy weekend! I wish I found more time to work out (Sunday/Monday) but driving from San Diego to Pomona and back to San Diego takes a lot out of you. I just wanted to relax before going back to work tomorrow. 


Although it was a busy weekend, I had fun with my friends and family. I am so proud of my sister for graduating from college! Now she'll be home and we can find ways to help motivate one another. One thing she already helped me with is cleaning out my closet. It's also a few pounds lighter! Awesome! 


Until then, keep smiling! 


Kristen 

The Way Things Fit

I've been working really hard to track my food intake this week. Some days I want to just throw in the towel and "guesstimate" how much food I'm eating but it didn't work for me in the past, so the more "educated" part of me know it's not possible to not track right now. Every day it's the same thing. I wake up, I make breakfast, I make my lunch, get ready for work, and I track. It becomes really time consuming. However, this week I made more of an effort to look nice enough though I didn't wash my hair. (Who washes their hair every day?!) Here are the outfits I wore this week. 

Wednesday

Dress: Target, L

Cardigan: Old Navy, XL

Belt: Old Navy, XL

Sandals: Target, 9

This dress hugged my curves (and my stomach) and at first I was self-conscience about wearing it but I figured, I better get use to it because it's such a pretty dress (and my boyfriend bought it for me as a gift!) A lot of my coworkers really liked the dress and thought it was cute. That made me feel good.

Thursday

Blouse: JCPenney, I Heart Ronson, XL

Cardigan: Target, XL

Pants: Old Navy, 16

Shoes: Target, 9

Friday

Jacket: JCPenney, L

Shirt: Target, L

Jeans: Old Navy, 16

Sandals: Target, 9

Accessories: Necklace, Old Navy; Blue Glass Ring, Hawaii Market Vendor; Large Silver Ring, Target; Flower Silver Ring, PacSun

I'm starting to feel good in my clothing and that's what's important to me. There was a time when I couldn't wear those brown dress pants from Old Navy. They wouldn't even CLOSE! I was embarrassed for myself - it's not like anyone outside of my bedroom knew I couldn't fit them anymore but just knowing that I had once again let myself gain weight made me upset with myself. I knew I had to make a conscience effort to fit these pants and feel healthy again. When I gained weight I felt sluggish, heavy, and all-round depressed. It's really draining to constantly tell myself that my body deserves better and then I don't follow through. On my 25th birthday I knew it was time to stop making false promises and to finally commit myself to a program that worked for me. What worked for me was actually GOING to the gym and keeping track of my food intake. That's the only way this journey can go... so far, so good. I cannot wait to have to buy NEW clothes! 

Until next time, keep smiling!!

Kristen