Four Months Later

Today before I went on my walk/run (aka 5k Training) I decided to sneak some pictures of myself in the bathroom at the Y. I say "sneak" because it's against policy to take pictures in the first place and secondly, it's embarrassing to get caught (which I did but I quickly ran into a stall). When I got home I decided to see if I could find pictures of myself from a few months back. Success! Although the picture of me in the pink shirt isn't the greatest angle it gives me a good idea of where I was. I should note that the reason I have my hip jutting out is because I was trying to appear more "curvy." As you notice in the second picture, the "curviness" of my body didn't matter because I liked what I saw head-on. 

It's only been four months and I swear, I don't know where time went. When I started this blog I thought it would be a great motivational tool. I also wanted to document my journey (are you getting tired of that word yet?) Last Sunday marked my 12th week blogging and it feels empowering to know that I've made it this far. I've committed myself to something bigger than myself. Every step of the way I make mistakes, I trip and I fall, but I've decided that I'm not going to be the victim anymore. I'm not going to beat myself up over a cookie or a pasta dish. I'm going to say, "Well, that sucked" and then move on and do better the next day. I'm tired of scolding myself. I am human and as a human, I make mistakes. Four months ago I was positioning myself to make myself look different - I wasn't happy with my body and I was very insecure. Now, I'm facing myself head-on and I'm not ashamed. I am proud of myself. 

April 2012

August 2012

Until next time, keep smiling!

I'm Learning to Change Perspectives

This isn't a blog about love or finding love. It's about finding myself. So please excuse this self-indulgent but necessary post. 

In the search for "myself," I'm realizing that love plays a major role in how someone is shaped. Love tends to dictate the definition of self. Whether it's the love you feel for someone else or for yourself, the love you have in your life tends to become intertwined into the inner workings of your mind and view of the world. On this journey to health, I've encountered roadblocks. Mostly of my own doing due to the fact that I loved until the bitter end. I loved everyone in my life with everything I had. It was a blessing and a curse but nothing I would have traded-in for a a better sense of self. You see, love has shaped me into the person I am. My parents loved me as best as they could. They gave me what they thought I needed - comfort in ways they could not comfort me. Convenience for the sake of making everyone's lives easier.  They taught me (wrongly I may add) about food. They also taught me wrongly about love. Love requires two people to occupy the same space without suffocating one another. It requires patience and understanding which my parents lacked in their own romance. I was unable to occupy a space with someone without being overbearing or overly distant. I could not find balance in love. I accepted lost souls into my life because I, too, was lost. I accepted people who need my hand but I always forgot to ask for theirs. They took my shoulder only when they needed it and I was always left with my pillow. Men tend to take a lot from me and in this journey, I am learning to give them what I can without being left with nothing. 

I love with every fiber of my soul, from my toes to the very tip of my head, my body spills love. It has always overflowed with love for others but never for myself. In the process of giving without keeping track, I left nothing for myself. At one point, I had nothing left to give and there I was, staring at a scale that wouldn't change. I saw myself in the mirror and I couldn't love what I saw. I graciously borrowed the temporary love of a stranger touching my lips with theirs or my stomach with their hands. In that moment, I felt accepted by someone and that someone didn't have to be myself. Someone else, a man, approved and that was the love I accepted. 

Now, I'm learning to keep some love for myself. I'm learning to love the way my body is changing (slowly but surely). I'm learning to love the way I committed myself to the gym instead of a guy. I love that I'm learning to accept myself for all that I am and maybe all I will never be. I am learning to love myself because I am learning to change my perspective. It's a very slow movement toward the concept of loving myself before I can love anyone else. I am okay knowing that some men in this world still have pieces of me that I cannot have back. But, I say, they can keep those old pieces... the new Kristen is better. She's stronger, she's more mindful, and most importantly, she puts herself first. Her mind, body, and soul is her first priority. 

And with that, it's okay to be selfish and it's okay to keep my love to myself. 

Until next time, keep changing your perspective. It can make you smile more. 

Sunday Weigh-in 010

Week ten people! I am on week ten. This week's weigh in isn't the best since it's a gain but I decided that I can't be upset if the scale goes up. It's going to happen from time to time so I can't make myself upset over it. It's not fair to my mind or body.

THIS IS OKAY, KRISTEN!

This week was especially difficult for me. I was disheartened on Friday when I realized how sad I've felt all week. I felt heavy and unmotivated which is weird because the scale was slightly lower and I found myself exercising every day this week. Training for my 5k is becoming more difficult by the day and I don't know if it has anything to do with how fatigued my body felt this week. However, what I did learn this week is that I need to give my body a rest. Last Sunday, I ran/walked around my neighborhood even though I wasn't suppose to train that day.

This Sunday I decided to take a break. I went to brunch with my family and then headed out to Balboa Park with my friend, Victoria. It was a great way for me to clear my head and refocus for the week. August is going to be really busy at work and I'm not looking forward to the tiredness I am going to feel this month.

Victoria enjoying the sun (or lack of underneath the trees).

Me staring into the sun. The sun is a great way to instantly make yourself feel better. It seems to refresh me and help me refocus myself. There's nothing better than enjoying what nature has to offer. 

Listening to planes overhead. Never forgetting that we're in the middle of a city. 

Rex watching us paint. 

The relaxation I enjoyed today put a lot of things into perspective. My friend Victoria has such an amazing way with words and I am so happy to have someone like her in my life. Sometimes when you're feeling down about life, or your goals, it's great to be able to openly talk about it with someone who can help give insight. Victoria understands my lack of motivation and the fact that I'm upset because I'm not noticing changes right now. However, she helped me realize that I am changing in ways that aren't obvious right now. We discussed my eating habits and the fact that I track calories. She also reminded me that I'm working out everyday. These are things I know and sometimes deny but they're true! I am working hard, harder than I ever have before. 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

The Beginning of My Journey: Part One

I think it's important for me to write about my journey to finally deciding to take my health seriously and creating this blog. Please bear with me as I want to include as much information as possible. I want to this be a therapeutic post - write out all my demons in a sense. 

I grew up in a military family. We didn't travel very much but I was never in one place for more than three years. The majority of my childhood was spent in Guam. This is me as a toddler. Aside from looking very cute, I was pretty petite. I was active and I was always playing outside with my friends. I would bike to my friend's house... and also bike to parts of the military housing that I wasn't allowed to be. I always made it home for curfew (street lights came on). On the outside everything was perfect - but my family wasn't. My parents argued all the time and I felt really sad all the time. I would hear them argue at night and I would imagine the worse. 

When I was in kindergarden/first grade, I started to put on weight. I remember being on the swings with my friend and one of the boys in my class was pushing us and he mentioned that I was "heavy." That was the first time I became aware of my weight. When I moved back to San Diego, my family mentioned my weight as well. My uncle mentioned, sort of in passing, "Wow, you got big!" I was young, I was growing... right? Well, the weight issue started to set in when my dad started talking about my weight. He said I was fat and that I didn't do anything. He put me in basketball and I never moved as fast as the other kids. I had a complex about the way my body looked when it was in motion - no thanks to my dad's coworker who saw me running down the hall at his office and said there was an earthquake! I was young so it took awhile to hit me as, "he just made fun of me." 

My friends were always smaller than me. I always felt like the odd person out even though my friends were always really great to me. I didn't really understand why my body looked the way it did. I felt out of place and uncomfortable being myself. I kind of turned into a bully and I would be mean to anyone who I feared was going to be mean to me. I was also dealing with the turmoil of a family that seemed to be falling apart at the seams. My parents fought all the time, I was constantly scared and wished I had a different life. I guess I thought everything would be better if my parents got along, if there wasn't the stress of being a military family, and if my parents weren't always busy working. I remember spending one summer (maybe 4th or 5th grade) in the house. My mom would leave a to-do list and my sister and I would make ourselves lunch (usually a microwaveable pizza or... two). I feel like I never left the house - and looking back on it, I probably didn't.

My insecurity began when I was really young. It feels strange to know that I grew up always analyzing myself. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my childhood. I had great friends and my parents were always very loving to me. They did whatever they could do to make sure I was comfortable. From a young age, I didn't have a good grasp on "healthy" food. As I grew... it didn't get better. I'll leave that for another post though. 

When did you begin to notice your weight? Did it ever stop you from being your true self? 

Until next time, keep smiling. 

Jessica's Birthday Shenanigans

I've been playing catch up with all my photos because of my "mini hiatus."

Let me tell you a little something about me. I love going out with friends to restaurants and talking and laughing over delicious food. Since starting my weight-loss journey, it's been difficult for me to do that without going slightly overboard. However, Jessica is great because she loves fresh, healthy food and I can count on her to try anything with me. For her birthday we had sushi at Ikiru Japanese Restaurant. I have a slight obsession with sushi because it's always fresh and always has great flavor. This sushi restaurant is one of my favorites because of the variety of sushi rolls and the fresh ahi poke salad. After sushi, we headed over to Wine Steals to drink some delicious wine. I had a red and then a sparkling wine. Overall, a great night with wonderful people... oh and YUMMY food!

Ahi Poke salad with an amazing apple garnish

My splurge item: spicy calamari

the "Harbor Roll" with spicy tuna, cucumber on the inside and seared hamachi and fire sauce on the outside. 

With the birthday girl! 

Wine Steals - look at all that wine!

A peek at the menu

My red wine (wish I could remember the name!)

With Jessica and her sister at Wine Steals

Jessica with her sister on the "sexy red couch"

Enjoying some wine! Wish it was in focus! hehe

Happy belated Birthday Jessica!

Until next time, keep smiling.

"Take a Hike" Saturday: Cowles Mountain

Two Saturdays ago I went on a Saturday hike with my friends, Jessica and Maricela. I picked Cowles Mountain as our hike. I didn't do much research because I have heard about the trail before through people. I parked on the backside of the mountain and we started our walk. As we were walking in, I noticed an incline. The incline got progressively steeper the further we went. It was a rough start and I almost wanted to turn around. I slowly climbed up those hills and I was so happy I did. It was an amazing experience to get to the top of Cowles Mountain and to know that I kept going. 

The start of the hike.

The first hill of the hike and I thought it got better from here... pssh!

Steep hills around every corner... 

First summit! I couldn't be happier!

Looking head, there's our other steep climb in site.

Stella was pulling along... 

Another beautiful view of East San Diego.

Lake Murray in sight!

Made it to the top! Junior is also proud of himself. 

View from the top! 

Juinor taking a rest. He was tired!

Jessica and Stella taking a rest at the top of Cowles Mountain.

Time to head down... this had to be equally as difficult as going up. Junior kept pulling me!

Overall, the hike was awesome. It such a huge accomplishment for me. I was talking with my trainer, Palani, yesterday and I was telling him how much I'm enjoying my hikes. It's something different and it really challenges my body and mind. I thought I couldn't get up those hills, I was scared I was going to stop half way and want to go back down but I didn't. I kept going and that's what matters. 


If I learned anything from my journey, it's to not give up. Things are going to get difficult. Some days will be harder than others but I need to continue to focus on the big picture: health. 


Until next time, keep smiling!

Thursday Workout

It's been a crazy end to my week but I am ready for Monday (shockingly!). Thursday was probably one of the best workouts I had at Fitness Together. First, I started with Palani directing me to the scale. I really appreciate that he's still keeping me accountable for the weekly weight in. I weighed a bit less than last week and he said he was proud of me. It's always a great feeling when someone is proud of you but even better to know that I was proud of myself. I love the support! 

As for the workout, Erin had us do a lot more TRX than what was listed and I was stoked. One of my favorite pieces of equipment is the TRX because I use my own body weight with it. Near the end, Erin asked us how we wanted to end our session and I pointed at the ropes, "Battle ropes!" She was shocked. I was shocked, too. Palani use to make me and Vanessa do them and they were awful. I couldn't move them long enough and I always felt defeated by them. However, after building up my strength and endurance I was able to do them for 45 seconds straight. Like it was nothing! I was impressed with myself. Then Erin had to introduce me to battle rope jumping jacks - there goes my celebration. Battle rope jumping jacks are my new challenge! 

 1 Client, 1 Trainer, 1 Goal

 The infamous battle ropes!

 Here's a better view of the day's workout. We did a lot more TRX then what is shown here.

After a good workout on Thursdays, I like to treat myself to some delicious sushi. Sushiya has 50% off cut rolls and specialty rolls on Thursdays so it's a cheap way to get some yummy fish. I always look forward to Sushi Thursdays! 

Pokie Roll and a Vegetable Roll

What do you like to treat yourself to after a good workout?

Lots of posts coming up this week! I celebrated Jessica's birthday this weekend and I have lots of pictures to share. 

Until then, keep smiling! 

Kristen 

Hiking a "Mountain"

Last week, Jessica (The Jessica L Blog) and I went on a hike in Mission Trails. It was a great 2 hour hike with lots of bugs and sweat! Jessica and I walked around the lake - or at least tried to - but we quickly realized that we were at a dead end. I decided to show her to dam and on the way we passed by a hill (pictured below). Jessica asked me where the hill went to and if I ever hiked it. I laughed and said of course not. That's when it hit me. I need to hike that hill. I felt challenged, not by Jessica, but by myself. I asked her if she wanted to and of course, she said yes. I dreaded walking up that steep hill (or at least it looked steep to me). I was worried I was going to get stuck half way and embarrass myself. I've never been much of an uphill hiker and so the thought of it was very daunting. However, I had my dog Junior helping me and I was so excited when I made it up that hill. Sweating and breathing hard - my heart rate reached 187. I was just so happy I made it up. I looked out and over Mission Trails and I felt proud. It made me realize how important it is for me to confront my fears and to challenge myself. 

Here's Junior helping me up the hill. Actually, he really wanted to meet the dog that the people ahead of me had walking with them. Of course, never thinking of me! 

The top of the hill! I made it! I danced! I laughed! I cried! I screamed! Okay, I didn't do any of that but I sure was proud of myself! 

Now, we had to walk through here and then make a right to the dam. Going down hill was difficult with a pulling dog.

A perfect picture spot!

Jessica and Stella taking the lead. It looked like we were in an "enchanted" forest. No, not really but it sure was pretty! 

Oh, thanks Junior for participating. The end of a lovely hike with a lovely girl and our lovely dogs! Now we get to celebrate with frozen yogurt courtesy of Golden Spoon!

Until next time, keep smiling! 




Kristen