Sunday Weigh-In 013

204.4 :)

This week I've been doing a lot of thinking about my methods and the way I keep track of my weight. I wouldn't say it's an obsession (yet) but every morning (this past week) I've weighed myself and tracked it on My Fitness Pal. Every day was a different weight and every day I struggled to comprehend the difference whether it was a loss or a gain. It made me realize that I want to switch to a monthly weigh-in instead of a weekly one. At least in the sense of documenting because I feel a weekly weigh-in makes my weigh-ins seem less important. 

Throughout the month I want to focus on health and wellness and beauty (which can include fashion and the like). I want to focus on things that make me happy and keep me motivated. While seeing the difference on the scale is encouraging, I feel it hinders readers from truly understanding who I am. I'm not just a weight-loss blog tracking "health" by the scale. I feel the scale is an important tool to help keep things in perspective for me but I don't believe it should be the end all, be all to my weight or health journey.

I hope with this change that you, dear reader, will learn more about me. I am open to answering any questions you may have and I hope that this change will help my readers relate to me more. 

I hope you all had a wonderful week. 

Until next time, keep smiling!

Four Months Later

Today before I went on my walk/run (aka 5k Training) I decided to sneak some pictures of myself in the bathroom at the Y. I say "sneak" because it's against policy to take pictures in the first place and secondly, it's embarrassing to get caught (which I did but I quickly ran into a stall). When I got home I decided to see if I could find pictures of myself from a few months back. Success! Although the picture of me in the pink shirt isn't the greatest angle it gives me a good idea of where I was. I should note that the reason I have my hip jutting out is because I was trying to appear more "curvy." As you notice in the second picture, the "curviness" of my body didn't matter because I liked what I saw head-on. 

It's only been four months and I swear, I don't know where time went. When I started this blog I thought it would be a great motivational tool. I also wanted to document my journey (are you getting tired of that word yet?) Last Sunday marked my 12th week blogging and it feels empowering to know that I've made it this far. I've committed myself to something bigger than myself. Every step of the way I make mistakes, I trip and I fall, but I've decided that I'm not going to be the victim anymore. I'm not going to beat myself up over a cookie or a pasta dish. I'm going to say, "Well, that sucked" and then move on and do better the next day. I'm tired of scolding myself. I am human and as a human, I make mistakes. Four months ago I was positioning myself to make myself look different - I wasn't happy with my body and I was very insecure. Now, I'm facing myself head-on and I'm not ashamed. I am proud of myself. 

April 2012

August 2012

Until next time, keep smiling!

Sunday Weigh-In 012

Oh hey!

I know, I've neglected my "blog world" for an entire week! Every attempt to write an entry this week ended with me falling asleep. Work has been tough, long hours in the sun and entertaining children no-less! I feel that August will mostly be weekend posts but I digress. At least I'm posting and at least I'm still dedicated to my cause - getting healthy! I have to be honest though, Wednesday I didn't work out. Throughout the week I like to exercise Monday-Saturday. On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I use my 5k trainer and if I have enough energy I stay at the YMCA and get some extra cardio in. On Tuesday, Thursday I train at Fitness Together and on Saturdays I do my hike/walk. This past Wednesday I got home with full intention on continuing my 5k training. I sat on my couch at 5pm and woke up at 8pm. That's how exhausted I was this week. My schedule at work right now also messes up my mid-morning and mid-afternoon snack so by the time I get home I'm starving. It's been difficult because when I'm really hungry I tend to nibble on things I shouldn't while I'm preparing dinner. I'm still a work in progress but at least I'm working.

I'm just going to end this post with some pictures from my relaxing Sunday. Another five day work week and a birthday party on Saturday. Let's do this!

Until next time, keep smiling! 

Sunday Weigh-In 011

This is going to sound like I'm not giving myself enough credit but I think my scale is broken. I weigh myself almost every day - morning and evening. It sounds a bit obsessive but it's become a habit. All week I've been weighing in at 209-210. It kept fluctuating which is perfectly fine. However, I stepped on the scale this morning and it registered 209.4. I forgot to grab my camera so I came back and then the scale registered at 206.6. I jumped off the scale and went back on and again, 206.6. I think I got off and back on the scale about five times until I decided that the number I was looking at was correct. 

It's really surreal to have come all this way. I look at the banner on my blog and the scale reads 219.2 and I can't believe that in 11 weeks I've managed to get under 210. It's been such an uphill battle and I know it's only going to get more difficult from here. Losing weight has become a meaningful project for me in the hopes of bettering myself. For the longest time, I've managed to start and stop so many projects. I never kept focus and I always lost interest. For eleven weeks I've managed to continue to count my calories, attend training twice a week, and go to the gym or run/walk around my neighborhood three times a week. Although my body is exhausted and sometimes my legs refuse to move - I make them and I realize that I am still here, I am still ALIVE. I am continuing to make my body do amazing things because I physically can. Everything hurts and nothing is easy - I learned this on Tuesday when I was asked to do a push up with my legs on a stability ball. It was difficult. I felt weak, I felt humiliated because I just couldn't do it. The stability ball had gotten the best of me but twenty minutes later, I did 12 push ups on that stability ball. 

Officially 206.6 lbs.

In the upcoming weeks, my body is going to be exhausted. Between being in the sun for half my day due to work and exercising, I can see physical exhaustion coming on. In order to counteract it, I plan on resting when I need to, eating better, and planning better. This past week I slacked and didn't create a menu so on Thursday night, with 1,000 calories left over I made an awful dinner. I had no energy to cook. Today, on my "lazy Sunday," I made my menu for the week and I plan on shopping in a bit. 

As for Taylor, I think she's going to be sleeping all day. 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

I'm Learning to Change Perspectives

This isn't a blog about love or finding love. It's about finding myself. So please excuse this self-indulgent but necessary post. 

In the search for "myself," I'm realizing that love plays a major role in how someone is shaped. Love tends to dictate the definition of self. Whether it's the love you feel for someone else or for yourself, the love you have in your life tends to become intertwined into the inner workings of your mind and view of the world. On this journey to health, I've encountered roadblocks. Mostly of my own doing due to the fact that I loved until the bitter end. I loved everyone in my life with everything I had. It was a blessing and a curse but nothing I would have traded-in for a a better sense of self. You see, love has shaped me into the person I am. My parents loved me as best as they could. They gave me what they thought I needed - comfort in ways they could not comfort me. Convenience for the sake of making everyone's lives easier.  They taught me (wrongly I may add) about food. They also taught me wrongly about love. Love requires two people to occupy the same space without suffocating one another. It requires patience and understanding which my parents lacked in their own romance. I was unable to occupy a space with someone without being overbearing or overly distant. I could not find balance in love. I accepted lost souls into my life because I, too, was lost. I accepted people who need my hand but I always forgot to ask for theirs. They took my shoulder only when they needed it and I was always left with my pillow. Men tend to take a lot from me and in this journey, I am learning to give them what I can without being left with nothing. 

I love with every fiber of my soul, from my toes to the very tip of my head, my body spills love. It has always overflowed with love for others but never for myself. In the process of giving without keeping track, I left nothing for myself. At one point, I had nothing left to give and there I was, staring at a scale that wouldn't change. I saw myself in the mirror and I couldn't love what I saw. I graciously borrowed the temporary love of a stranger touching my lips with theirs or my stomach with their hands. In that moment, I felt accepted by someone and that someone didn't have to be myself. Someone else, a man, approved and that was the love I accepted. 

Now, I'm learning to keep some love for myself. I'm learning to love the way my body is changing (slowly but surely). I'm learning to love the way I committed myself to the gym instead of a guy. I love that I'm learning to accept myself for all that I am and maybe all I will never be. I am learning to love myself because I am learning to change my perspective. It's a very slow movement toward the concept of loving myself before I can love anyone else. I am okay knowing that some men in this world still have pieces of me that I cannot have back. But, I say, they can keep those old pieces... the new Kristen is better. She's stronger, she's more mindful, and most importantly, she puts herself first. Her mind, body, and soul is her first priority. 

And with that, it's okay to be selfish and it's okay to keep my love to myself. 

Until next time, keep changing your perspective. It can make you smile more. 

"Take a Hike" Saturday: Kwaay Paay Summit (Mission Hills Trails)

Last Saturday, I went to Mission Hills with Jessica and Maricela. I was really excited to get out of the house and explore. This time I decided not to bring Junior (my dog) because I didn't want to deal with ticks. However, Jessica brought Stella and she was a great motivator. Every time someone fell behind she would stop and wait. It was really funny. We first attacked the first hill I ever hiked at Mission Trails. We got up in no time and I was in shock. I was telling Jessica how the last time we went up that hill I felt like it took forever. I also wasn't as exhausted as the first time I got up that hill. 

After the hill we took a side trail that didn't really lead anywhere so we turned around and decided to go up to Kwaay Paay Summit. That was an intense hike. We kept comparing it to Cowles Mountain. The hills were very steep and took a lot of work to get up. We were hoping the trail would go up and then down toward the Visitor's Center but on the way up, we spoke to some fellow hikers who said the summit was the end and that we would have to go back down. Although it wasn't what we had hoped, we were ready to get to the top. Once up there, I was excited - dripping sweat and covered in dirt! I stood around at the top for as long as possible because I had to mentally prepare to go back down. The hike down was rough but it was very rewarding because it reminded me of how much my fitness levels have changed. Two hours later - it was time to head home for some SUSHI! 

Stella getting pumped for the hike!

The infamous hill! This was the first hill I hiked at Mission Trails. 

This sign is very confusing. Where exactly am I going?

Jessica is always head of us! Maricela and I gotta keep up!

A cute little bridge off our path.

Up, up and away we go!

New trail for us.

Steep, steep hills.

Looking out at Mission Trails and the 52.

Near the top! You're** I wanted to edit this so badly!

We heard that on a clear day the view is spectacular.

I'm on top of the world, hey! (Imagine Dragons got me up to this point)

Jessica lookin' cute and not a sweaty mess at all!

A little creature that Maricela spotted. I tried to get closer but it ran away.

845 calories - gone! Woo!

I'm really loving my Saturday hikes. I can't wait until I get to go on harder trails. I look forward to the challenges! 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

Sunday Weigh-in 010

Week ten people! I am on week ten. This week's weigh in isn't the best since it's a gain but I decided that I can't be upset if the scale goes up. It's going to happen from time to time so I can't make myself upset over it. It's not fair to my mind or body.

THIS IS OKAY, KRISTEN!

This week was especially difficult for me. I was disheartened on Friday when I realized how sad I've felt all week. I felt heavy and unmotivated which is weird because the scale was slightly lower and I found myself exercising every day this week. Training for my 5k is becoming more difficult by the day and I don't know if it has anything to do with how fatigued my body felt this week. However, what I did learn this week is that I need to give my body a rest. Last Sunday, I ran/walked around my neighborhood even though I wasn't suppose to train that day.

This Sunday I decided to take a break. I went to brunch with my family and then headed out to Balboa Park with my friend, Victoria. It was a great way for me to clear my head and refocus for the week. August is going to be really busy at work and I'm not looking forward to the tiredness I am going to feel this month.

Victoria enjoying the sun (or lack of underneath the trees).

Me staring into the sun. The sun is a great way to instantly make yourself feel better. It seems to refresh me and help me refocus myself. There's nothing better than enjoying what nature has to offer. 

Listening to planes overhead. Never forgetting that we're in the middle of a city. 

Rex watching us paint. 

The relaxation I enjoyed today put a lot of things into perspective. My friend Victoria has such an amazing way with words and I am so happy to have someone like her in my life. Sometimes when you're feeling down about life, or your goals, it's great to be able to openly talk about it with someone who can help give insight. Victoria understands my lack of motivation and the fact that I'm upset because I'm not noticing changes right now. However, she helped me realize that I am changing in ways that aren't obvious right now. We discussed my eating habits and the fact that I track calories. She also reminded me that I'm working out everyday. These are things I know and sometimes deny but they're true! I am working hard, harder than I ever have before. 

Until next time, keep smiling! 

On Accepting Change

Lately I've been having a really difficult time looking at myself in the mirror. Everyone else is noticing all of these changes in my body and here I am, staring at myself and I see nothing. It's so draining to not feel at peace with your body. Every day is a struggle for me to follow the rules I have put in place for myself. Eat this, not that. Run, now walk. Pick up a heavier set of weights. I feel exhausted. I feel like people are disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm. It's difficult for me to truly articulate the frustration I've been feeling lately. I can't discredit the amount of work I've put into helping myself become healthier. I can't argue the number slowly changing on the scale. However, I've noticed that while for the most part I'm in a great mood, the other part of me is one hard swallow away from crying my eyes out. I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I know nothing comes easy, I know that I need suck it up and be happy with my progress. Somedays though, I want to be upset that I'm not noticing a change in the way my body looks. Somedays, I want to sit in my bed and not work out. It's been a long, difficult road up until this point and most days I do a great job of putting on my gym clothes and hitting the pavement. I want to learn to not expect change over night. I need to be more patient. I need to accept that I am changing, maybe not on the outside but on the inside. I need to embrace my schedule and menu and know that this is one step closer to being in control of my own life. I will continue to eat this, not that; run, now walk; and pick up a heavier set of weights. I will continue to do so because I know my body can.

But for now, can I just sit here and have a good cry?

 Sometimes we all have lows, it's how we handle the lows that matters. What do you do when you feel burnt out?